>> Press Announcement <<
Product Grading System for your Tech Products
Here at HiddenText, we have become aware that launching new products and services for companies has been difficult, and finding new buzzwords not already abused by the market has been hard to identify. This edition expands our Cyber Product Grading System to include a much wider audience.
Using our decades of experience, we have used an existing terminology and expanded it to create a grading system for all products and services, which are recognisable to sarcastic consumers as well as the C-Suite for all products and services.
This also brings us into the new AI Age and our proposed AI Grade to be added to the Product Grading System.
The Aim of the Product Grading System
Differentiating your products from others has become the race in the industry. This can be helped by aggressive marketing and being the first to market with new products. However, due to the global pandemic, marketing efforts have stagnated, and some companies are now behind the curve.
The Problem
We reached a nirvana point with some marketing terms, e.g.
Next-Gen
What comes after Next-Gen? Next-next generation? At what point does the next generation become the current generation? And so we have a problem. The term Next-Gen is not scalable. What happens when you bring out a new product that supercedes your previous next-gen product – Next-Next-Gen?
HiddenText researched existing terms that would be scalable, reusable and, more importantly, useful and created a new Product Grading Scale.
Our Solution
One marketing term that we believe has a possibility for expansion is:
MILITARY GRADE
This is quite a popular term, not effectively used, but we at HiddenText do recognise that it can be useful. We are proposing, rather sarcastically, that we use a grading system that has an origin story rooted in the term “Military Grade” and use that to create a benchmark for products and services that companies can use to give their customers faith in their services. The proposed scale is as follows:
- Interplanetary Grade
- Earth Grade
- Nation-State Grade
- AI Grade [PROPOSED]
- Military Grade
- Local Council Grade
- Dave Grade
HiddenText will detail in this Announcement the scale and why they are useful terms for vendors to use. We also set out our new proposed Grade element to keep up with current market trends.
The Details of the Product Grading System
1. Interplanetary Grade
As we now have a presence on other bodies in our solar system, e.g. Mars and the Moon, we need to think about security and the controls required in an interplanetary context. We propose the highest level of this grading system to be Interplanetary to reflect the widespread nature of services and goods.
Example usage:
“Docking at Mars-base 4. Next-gen firewall engaged. Understood, Luton, it is Interplanetary Grade, so we should be protected by the EloDataHoover.“
2. Earth Grade
All things are now globally connected through the internet. Our services and products, our data. HiddenText recognised the need for a grade that demonstrates the interconnectedness of the global infrastructures and our ‘local’ security level. Earth Grade.
Please note we are seeking a more hyper-local version of Moon Grade, e.g. Uranus Puck Grade.
Example usage:
“Preparation to dock. Uranus, are you receiving?”
“Denied”
“Denied? Whuh why?”
“You’re not secure enough for entry to Uranus Base Puck?”
“What do you mean, we are not secure enough? This is Earth-grade tech here!“
3. Nation-State Grade
Each day, there is a power play going on across the internet as one Nation-State fights for supremacy over the others. Therefore, our products and solutions need to scale to that demand, hence HiddenText proposes the Nation-State Grade. We expect this to be one of the most popular grades and look forward to seeing this being used at conferences in the coming years. Note, we are still unsure whether this title should be hyphenated.
Example usage:
“Hello, Madame President, your daily briefing shows the Nation-State grade surveillance system has recorded a surge in purchases of cardigans in men aged 40 to 45.“
4. AI Grade [PROPOSED]
It is hard to avoid AI in the current times. HiddenText also cannot avoid AI, and our meme game has definitely improved. However, we also see that every app we now use has AI trying to interrupt what we are doing and tell us to do stuff its way. One of our researchers El, first named it AI Grade – a grade of product so intrusive and useless that it makes you want to step away from all tech and live on an island with no internet connection.
Example usage:
“Would you like to see our AI-grade security product demo. It will protect you against all threats, known and unknown.”
“Really?”
“For sure, everything. If you could just type in all your usernames, passwords, passkeys, thumbprint, picture of all your IDs, oh and allow this system to read everything you ever do to create a model about you to identify you. It only takes photos of your environment every 5 seconds.”
“What if I hit it with this hammer? Can it protect itself ?”
“Ummm, no.”
5. Military Grade
This is the current ceiling of products and services, implying that they are so strong that even the military can’t break them. Having met some military people, HiddenText actually don’t see any credence to this Grade and, in fact, the term Military Grade devalues most products and services.
Example usage:
“Comrade Geoff, we have had a kinetic attack at one of our theme parks, and the mad mouse ride is now out of action. Do we have permission to launch our Military-Grade defences?”
“Yes, of course you do! Release everything at them now!”
“OK… Release the wet paper bag and chocolate fire guards”
6. Local Council Grade
One step down from Military Grade is Local Council Grade. HiddenText believes that this grade may be known by different names depending on the country, e.g in the UK it may alternatively be known as County Council Grade or Leicester City Council Grade. As the IT in these environments is so bad, procurement so dire, any products or services that can survive at this grade earn the right to be called Local Council Grade. We spent a long time agonising and researching whether we believed this to be a higher state than Military Grade; however, once we examined the procurement processes of the Military and compared them to Local Councils, the Grade was easier to place.
Example usage:
“Bye eck, look at that. If we spend money on this Council Grade IT system, we get a free squishy stress ball, and we can take the budget out of the pot-hole budget, which will annoy Rachael no end. I mean, it doesn’t work, but do we need it to work?”
7. Dave Grade
The lowest grade in the product grading system is Dave Grade (potentially also the highest!). HiddenText does understand the need for diversity, and we also identify that we have named this in a male tone. This is, of course, an ironic, moronic and sarcastic naming and plays to one of the oldest comedy tropes in IT. We are therefore also identifying that this grade is applicable for legacy systems by naming this Dave Grade.
This is the grade where the product or service is probably so basic that it is going to be pretty hard to break, even if it’s been turned off and on while running. The interface will have no graphics and will probably be green text. However, if you did want to intentionally break it, probably clicking a menu option or a radio button will cause a kernel fault, and it will fill the cache logs up, causing the machine to reboot – probably endlessly.
Example usage:
“I was in the basement, and I heard a noise coming from a beige thing.”
“You were in the basement?”
“I thought I’d broken it because it was making a thunking noise. I turned it off in a panic, but it turned right back on again in case it was important.”
“It must be Dave Grade. if it’s still running.“
Conclusion
HiddenText Ltd believes that we should share our experiences, but in a way that engages with audiences. One problem that the technology industry, and specifically the cyber industry, has is that we use inaccessible language. Therefore, we believe that by the creation of this (slightly sarcastic) product grading system, anyone can access the terminology and understand it immediately, as well as understand the placement of where it would live in the real world.
About HiddenText
HiddenText Ltd is a consultancy specialising in culture change, education and security awareness and engagement. Having spent decades in the industry, technical and people. consultancy and business, covering a wide variety of roles, the Directors find that they are uniquely positioned to bring their views to a wide audience in an accessible way. We are always open to new ideas and are not limited by industry norms. Please note this Press announcement is not to be taken in a serious manner and was produced for some fun and poking fun at the marketing terms that are used in the tech industry.
Should you wish to engage with HiddenText in relation to this Press Announcement, please contact the marketing team at:
Hello @HiddenText.co.uk
https://www.linkedin.com/company/hiddentext
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